Love, Or Something Like It
by hairsprayheart
Summary: A short, simple, general parody of Narnian romances. Bashes various pairings including but not limited to: Peter/OC, Edmund/OC, incest, slash, and the infamous Suspian.


Love, Or Something Like It

I have never written anything like this before, so forgive me if it's terrible. This is a parody of Narnian romances, mostly stemming from the rampant and distasteful "Suspians" out there, as well as all of the badly-written OC romances. I have no problem with romance or any particular pairings (except for incest and slash), and have even written a bit myself, so please don't be offended. It is just for my own personal enjoyment and to possibly give someone else a laugh.

*

Once upon a time, these four kids who all had incestuous relationships with each other found a kingdom in a closet. They became in charge of it - how this happened isn't really important, because we're focusing on the love stuff anyway, right? More important than any of the actual ruling stuff were all the nice OCs they found to fall in love with. Eventually, they had to leave, but they never forgot about their true loves... Until they became incestuous again because they were so depressed and needed an outlet. Then they got back to Narnia for a second time, and some new relationships developed - namely between Susan and Caspian.

One day, Peter found out about it and decided to try and stop it. Caspian admitted to loving Susan.

"Don't," Peter growled warningly. "Stay away from her... Telmarine."

The hatred with which he said the last word stung Caspian like a slap.

"You forget that it was a Telmarine who took over when you left," he spat, infuriated by Peter badly enough to insult him.

"_You_ forget how _well_ they did that takeover," Peter retaliated sarcastically.

"Stop with this silly namecalling!" Susan cried. "It isn't helping anything other than to deflate your prides."

Surprised, both men - boys - looked at her in silence. Already, they had forgotten about everything that had happened because they were too busy thinking about her.

"If you are going to fight, please don't be so infantile as to do it over me," she added with a sniff.

"I... We were doing nothing of the sort," Caspian insisted, flushing deeply at her implications. "I swear it, your Majesty."

Susan narrowed her eyes and he shrunk into submission.

"What you swear is of no interest to me," she replied coldly. "It is what you do."

"_What_ is he doing?" Peter burst out.

"Not me, if that's what you're so bloody worried about," Susan hissed. (Even though the gentle queen _never_ swore, she found this to be an appropriate time.)

Caspian blanched.

"Well, thanks for that," Peter said curtly. "That's all I wanted to know."

"So what if he was?" Susan asked suspiciously, crossing her arms over her wonderfully bodacious chest (and earning an equally eager and disappointed look from Caspian).

"She _does_ love me," the prince pointed out proudly. "We're soulmates!!"

"We've only known each other for a few months," Susan scoffed. "But you are rather nice-looking... If you weren't nearly so exotic, I wouldn't think so, of course. (That's why I didn't kiss you in the books, when you were blonde and British like me). And that's good enough for me."

"But... But _I_ love you!" Peter whined, stamping his foot.

"Silly boy. Go run off with an OC," Susan suggested, tossing her flowing hair over her shoulder and laughing.

"Okay," Peter agreed easily. "Maybe I"ll take Caspian, though. Or should I love Ed? Oh, I can't decide..."

"Ed loves _me_," Lucy declared bossily. She had come from nowhere to insert a well-timed quote. Then she burst into tears for no reason whatsoever.

"I love you, too, Lu. I think," Caspian stammered. "Or maybe that was Peter...?"

"Wait, wait!" A beautiful girl with flowing blonde hair and dazzling, mesmerizing blue eyes ran in. "I can fix everything!"

"Oooh," Peter and Edmund cooed in unison, falling all over themselves in their hurry to get to her. "An OC! She has come! The prophesy has been fulfilled!"

"What prophesy?" Caspian asked loudly, feeling confused and left out.

"There is no prophesy, you dolt," Susan replied.

"Your brother really pisses me off," Caspian snapped.

"That's okay, I'm on your side," Susan assured him, giving him googly eyes. "Peter wasn't mean in the books, but he is in the movie in order to push us together."

"Oh, I see," Caspian replied. Then he began to make out with her. The first kiss was a chaste one but that didn't last for long.

"This... isn't... Supposed to happen," Susan panted between kisses. "I mean, we're never going to... See each other... Again."

"I don't care," Caspian replied breathlessly. "What are you talking about? You're not leaving. ... And if you do, I shall love you from afar, and that will be enough."

Suddenly, there was a roar. "Stop!"

Susan and Caspian looked up for the briefest instant. For some reason, all of the others had disappeared. The writer must have just forgotten about them in his hurry to describe the blossoming love between the two teenagers (who were really only supposed to be about fourteen).

"Oh, hi, Aslan," Susan said brightly.

"Go home," Aslan replied in a mean voice. "Even though there's no real reason for it (heck, I'm not even sure why I made you leave the first time). I'm just a big, mean lion. Rawr!"

"Oh, but Aslan," Susan pouted, "we're in LOVE!" She began to cry bitterly.

"Erm, well, in _that_ case, forget everything I said," Aslan said quickly. "I can overcome death, but not love." Then he vanished, never to be seen again.

"Oh, goody," Caspian said. "Come, be my bride."

The two were married in a lavish ceremony on a beautiful day, and soon enough Susan began to pop out kids that were almost as perfect as her and her dashing king.

"Ick," Caspian said one day. "You're just too perfect. Forget you. I'm going off with Peter."

Various complicated love triangles developed, but I won't go into detail because they really don't make sense.

Eventually, Caspian got tired of Peter's whining and escaped in a ship, and the first hot girl he met he married, even though he was really in love with Lucy (who, for some reason, was in love with her absolute beast of a cousin, as well as her brother at the same time, and of course Caspian, too!). Then everybody else somehow went away... Somehow... And because she never ever ever forgot Caspian, Susan felt abandoned and forgot everything, even though everyone else was perfectly happy (Digory and Polly were in love, and so were Eustace and Jil, and even Cor and Aravis, though nobody cared about these pairings because they were actually almost canon).

But it all worked out; there was a happy ending for everyone - after a great deal of fighting, kissing, and some other unimportant and less fun details of being a king or queen of a country. There were two or three pairings for everyone to love, and nobody ever had to be bothered by that annoying lion, what's-his-name, because they were all so in love.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End!


End file.
